Come on Wishbone!

So for one of the first times in my adult life, I find myself unemployed (for what I hope, oh dear god do I hope, is only a short period of time), which apparently isn’t all that uncommon for us millennials. In order not to die of boredom in between job applications, my boyfriend and I adopted a puppy. (Whoa there PETA. We adopted a puppy for more reasons than me being bored. We also thought we could turn her into a good soup. Or maybe a decent slow cooker meal.) Turns out spending all day with a puppy, while rewarding and oftentimes as awesome as it sounds, can also be quite stressful and aggravating. Is she super cute? Hell yes. Is she housetrained? NOPE.

The very notion that I have to think about someone else’s bowel movements for so much of the day is a fact that I find horrifying. I have newfound respect for my parents, who not only had a puppy but two children that also needed housetraining. To be honest, I don’t really like kids. (That’s a lie. I don’t need the “really.” I don’t like kids.) However, now I’m struggling even more to see them, and puppies, as anything but radicals with ticking time bombs and no cause whatsoever, holding your house and possessions hostage until they decide you haven’t met their demands that they never told you about.

Oops. Tangent. Where was I? Puppies. That’s right. The cute puppy is mildly traumatic. The unemployment/job application process is obviously nerve racking. Therefore I decided that I needed a PROJECT. So I bought a coloring book, and some colored pencils. True story. Coloring books are not just for children. They are delightfully relaxing. However, I also wanted a writing project of some kind, as I was an English major in my college years, and fancied myself quite the writer at one time. (Full disclosure: I was, sadly, not all that great at writing. But youth is nothing if not a time for delusional aspirations, yes?)

Which brings me to my project. People seem to be reviewing shows these days. I myself am a huge fan of Full House Reviewed, so I thought I would practice the old sincerest form of flattery and give it a shot. Instead of choosing a terrible show, however, I decided to go with one of my favorite shows of all time: Wishbone. That’s right. The Little Dog with a Big Imagination.   (All that puppy talk doesn’t seem like such a tangent now, eh?)

Wishbone himself.  Notice the excellent photoshop making Wishbone's tongue the hyper realistic shade of bubblegum pink. Sigh.  Society even has unrealistic expectations for dogs.
Wishbone himself. Notice the excellent photoshop making Wishbone’s tongue the hyper realistic shade of bubblegum pink. Sigh. Society even has unrealistic expectations for dogs.

For those of you that don’t know this show, you are MISSING OUT. Wishbone is a classic product of nineties era PBS programming. It is about a Jack Russell Terrier named Wishbone, who happens to be quite the bibliophile. He lives in Oakdale with his owners Joe and Ellen Talbot. The viewers are treated to his pleasant narration of every day life. Situations that occur to the humans or to him remind him of literary classics. We are then privy to very abridged recreations of those books, in which Wishbone usually stars as the main character. Each episode goes back and forth between the goings on of Oakdale, and whatever book Wishbone sees as a parallel to his life.

It is as adorable and educational as it sounds. In the literary recreation Wishbone wears costumes and does a pretty decent job at summing up the book. Wishbone aired every afternoon when I was in preschool, and I watched it with my mom during what was supposed to be my (and ended up being her) nap time. I was pretty obsessed with this show. Did I have the have a Wishbone beanie baby? Yep. Did I play the Wishbone Activity Zone computer game? I DOMINATED that game. Did I belong to the fan club? You’re god damn right I did. Did I have even own a magnetic dress up Wishbone set? YES. Do I still have the magnetic dress up set on my fridge? YES, yes I do. I even remember when I was asked to summarize Great Expectations in my high school AP English exam and I just wrote down exactly what happened in the Wishbone version. What I’m saying is, I was a PBS kid through and through.

Magicloth Wishbone pack for the win!  It was a magical day when  my mom found this in a toy store.
Magicloth Wishbone pack for the win! It was a magical day when my mom found this in a toy store.
LOOK AT ALL HIS OUTFITS. So dapper.
LOOK AT ALL HIS OUTFITS. So dapper.
In case you doubted me.  Here is Wishbone on the fridge.  The true magic is how I haven't lost any of the hats even though I've moved at least five times since getting Magicloth Wishbone.
In case you doubted me. Here is Wishbone on the fridge. The true magic is how I haven’t lost any of the hats even though I’ve moved at least five times since getting Magicloth Wishbone.

Ultimately, there are two real travesties about Wishbone:

1. It has never been released in its entirety on DVD or Netflix instant. Luckily it’s pretty easily found on Youtube, if you somehow stumble across this blog and find yourself intrigued. I myself may or may not have purchased a truly outstanding bootleg DVD set put together by a true and talented fan of the series.

2. While the literary recreations are top notch, the goings on at Oakdale can get pretty campy (it was the nineties), which is fine, but Wishbone’s owner, Joe, is the fucking WORST. He is douche nozzle and never deserved to own such a truly fantastic dog.

Joe Talbot.  Ugh, Joe, you are garbage.
Joe Talbot. Ugh, Joe, you are garbage.

I’m counting on my low tolerance of Joe Talbot to keep my reviews interesting, otherwise it will be a lot of OH MY GOD WISHBONE HAS A MUSTACHE. Which is pretty entertaining on its own.

So without further ado, let us recite the theme song and have an adventure:

What’s the story Wishbone?
What’s this you’re dreaming of?
Such big imagination from such a little pup.
What’s the story Wishbone?
Do you think it’s worth a look?
It kinda seems familiar like a story from a book.
Shake a leg now Wishbone! Let’s wag another tail.
Sniffin’ out adventure with Wishbone on the trail.
Come on Wishbone!
What’s the story Wishbone? (x4)
(Bark!)

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